Hey, that's no way to say goodbye

Came home, had a bath, went to Laundry and started to pack my things. Managed to get a comb through my hair for the first time in over 3 weeks...Going home tomorrow so wont be posting on this page until the next time I come to Miami.  I took a break from blogging since September but I am loving it so I will continue to post on
http://poisoniris.blogspot.com/ when I get home.
I have some writing on http://irispersonalassistant.blogspot.com/ that you are welcome to check out
and my first blog http://iris39.blogspot.com/

Thank you for your attention x

This is the last day of our aquaintance

My last day on the beach, my last walk past the Loewes Hotel.

Usual appauling weather

I thought I would walk the whole length of the beach from the breakers at the Southern Point to the breakers at the North. Effectively it means I walked it twice as I hit the beach at 16th St.

I walked in the water, it would be too hot otherwise

Got to the Southern Break and went into the ocean for the last time

Then I turned around and walked to the furthest point - which as you can see is super far! I listened to the Sinead O'Connnor album - I Feel So Different . I starts with The Serinty Prayer - you can run but you can't hide.

I played the album a couple of times along the way, but I made it.

I lay down at the northern point but my skin has had enough, I was feeling the wrong kind of pain so I kept walking instead. My friend John always talks about the wrong wrong choice. Like sometimes you can make a 'wrong' choice where you can see that the alternative would have been better but it works out eventually anyway. Other times you make the wrong wrong choice and things get extremely messy.

Buy cheap buy twice

I started my sunbathing using Clarins which is expensive here, $34 but I am wreckless not stupid (or I was) and I knew I needed to invest in my skin. Anyway a few days ago I ran out so I bought some Banana Boat rubbish in the supermarket for $6.99 thinking my skin was stronger so it wouldn't matter. Wrong. I am totally alergic to cheap stuff, now I am covered in hideous heat rash. It might be gods way of telling me I need to quit while I am ahead. Obviously I have no intention of doing any such thing but I will go to the beach later today as a concession.

AA Related Announcements

'I am less interested in how you got here than I am in how you stay here.'

I know that you will listen to me

I went back to the beach this evening , to see the full moon, it was amazing. The sun was setting behind me and the sea was darkening in front of me.

I waited for ages for it to get dark but eventually the sun had gone and the stars came out.

The ocean was a kind of mother of pearl colour, very pretty.

I was listening to Sinead singing Nothing Compares To You while I was waiting

Once it was dark, two large cruise ships stopped on the horizon right in front of me like altar candles. Like a sign , I see 'signs' everywhere  its probably some kind of condition but whatever...

I had all my little prayers and petitions written out, by the way, I am some one who prays for specifics and I am very comfortable with that. I know that God gave me my mind and my desire in the first place and I also know that the issue is to not have attachment to outcomes.

Anyway I walked into the water tearing up my little papers and released them into the waves and sat back on the sand to watch this massive red moon come up.

My friend once told me this Rabbinical saying 'the essence of your prayers is that they will be heard.'

A deeper shade of blue

The moon controls everything, the sea is dark today, the tides are chained. I am going back to the ocean when it gets dark to offer my prayers up to the Scorpio moon. The full moon tonight and Mercury in retrograde till Saturday mean that its best to keep a low profile. I have a talent for causing offence so I am glad I am here for most of it! Remember the old Yorkshire saying 'if in doubt, do now't' and you won't cause yourself too many problems.

I don't know no shame I feel no pain, I can't

I found lots of Sinead O'Connor tracks on Richards IPOD today. Love her, when I was younger I shaved all my hair off like that, actually I let some skin head boys with tatooed faces do it for me. Self care was not a feature of my earlier years.

AA Related Announcements

'I am awake in my dreams'

I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul

What I love about getting a little colour is the way that my skin looks against white sheets when I wake in the morning. I have always loved this, normally I blend into my bedding like a stick insect until around August. It feels so decadent to have a tan in April.

My body is covered in bites from the flies that apparently don't exist its ruining my look. I have a perfect soul though, everybody does ..

About Last Night

We went to the movies last night to see Hannah by Joe Wright. There is a huge multi-screen just on the corner of Lincoln Road. The movie was great actually but the best thing is that it costs just $10 to see a film. So inexpensive in comparison to London. Its about £16 to see a movie in Leicester Square which is way too much.

The photos are totally not relevant to the words by the way. I was taking pictures of the flowers in the supermarket while Richard was paying for milk. So at the cinema there was a weighing machine and I actually dared get on it. It gave me my weight 128 lbs which means I have lost 7 lbs since I got here on the photography diet - hurray. It also gave me the lottery numbers which I couldn't write down as I didn't have pen (there goes my only hope of financial security) and a fortune telling prediction ' Look after your health' which is little down to earth for my taste. I ate cheese fries at the Shake Shack.

Richard said I should loose 10 more lbs. He is a model agent which seriously affects his perspective on these things. He can fuck off any way. I want to loose 3lbs only so that I can weigh 125lbs because I prefer numbers that are easily divisable by 100.

It's funny being around gay men, like being naked on the beach with them because I always feel like they are body facists and its totally my stuff since Richard always says I look great even when I don't. He works with such beautiful women though I imagine it must be dreadful to see a normal one after that.

I love Richard - we had a really interesting conversation about anal versus vaginal sex this morning. I totally forgot that he had ever slept with women. Very revealing - straight men don't tell you much about that stuff.

Morning Coffee

I couldn't eat this morning. I just had coffee in Ballans with Richard. I have this stuff called half & half in coffee here. Its half cream and half milk, they have it Starbucks and all the coffee shops. I love it. I drink my coffee slightly differently when I travel. At home I make an Italian stove top pot of expresso, which is two mugs full and drink both. Then I drink at least one triple shot soy latte either on the way to work if I have to go in or at lunch time. In Spain I drink cafe cortado which is expresso with hot milk, its weird because hot milk is one of my least favourite things but in Spain it seems palatable.

AA Related Announcements

'I am only an arms length away'

Can't buy you love

We lay in the Gay section, obviously this being South Beach there is one. I saw this man, he was so beautiful and with a much older man.  Of course you can never judge why one person is with another and they may be totally made for each other and deeply in love. I had a conversation the other day where I said 'everything is about sex except things that are about money' and the other person was explaining that money is about sex as well. Perhaps. Anyway I wonder if its possible to trade, love for love, friendship for friendship, sex for sex. I think that problems arise when people enter into a cross trade, or trade covertly. Not that problems don't arise anyway.
Richard is playing LOLA - love it.

In too deep

I lay out in the sun listening to Pulp - A Different Class this afternoon. I was trying to tan both front and back for the same length of time so I needed to play an album that I could listen to twice.

I broke after one play and had to get into the ocean for some relief. The sea was so warm, I have been in cooler baths (OD). The heat is relentless.

Big dark clouds rolled in, I listened to Joy Division, Transmission and Love Will Tear Us Apart and just lay there as the cool rain fell. Minutes later I was applying more sunscreen as the sun came through and burnt it off.

Richard was talking about work trouble with some big corporate lawyers. He was saying that he was angry that he was still capable of being in such self obsessed fear that such things bothered him. I said I was pretty worried about going home but that working on this stuff is a daily thing, like going to the gym (which I don't do) we have to build spiritual muscles. That we must welcome opportunites to do these exercises everyday. Well please God not every day but anyway the point is to metabolise. FAST

AA Related Announcements

'I did'nt know what I did'nt know'

On the floating shapeless oceans

Yesterday I was listening to Richards IPOD on the beach, he has the best tracks ever on his IPOD.  Anyway Song For The Siren by This Mortal Coil  came on and it transported me. This track was used by David Lynch,in his film Lost Highway. It is the background track of one of the final love scenes when it becomes apparent that she is either (or working closely with) The Devil.  In that sense Lynch is very good value since you rarely come away from the film knowing what the hell happened and spend the next few days replaying the narrative. Like alot of things really.

It started better than it ended obviously.

Patience is its own reward

Finally!! Got a picture of one of the little Lizards that live around here. I see about 100 a day but they move really fast. Love them. The thing with the pictures I am taking is that they are so random, the sun is so bright I can't see what I am doing in the monitor for the best part. Thrilled that I have finally got my David Attenborough wild life money shot.

In deep

I am not sure I am getting browner any more. I might be as brown as I can go i.e. not very in comparison to locals but very in comparison to how I was when I got here. That's it : don't compare yourself to others compare yourself to how you used to be.

Don't play with me, cos you're playing with fire

Very apt to be listening to The Stones this afternoon. I wonder about my 'fry now pay later' approach to the sun. Its very hot and I can stay out all day now. I wonder about the damage but I just lay down anyway. When the clouds come in from the sea, I assume that god is timing my tan and take it as a sign to go home.

Faith

Richard slapped my claws away from his arm and marched out into the traffic. I screamed. He said, you just push your fear on to others, jelly fish, sharks, roaches, on coming traffic. He said the way you scream makes me want to find roaches. I told him I didnt really feel that he was entirely gay and we had a chat about a kind of sliding scale of gayness. He said someone has made a chart about it. He is definately at the straight edge of gay.

Ballans

We went to Ballans for breakfast and sat inside (ice) because Richard insists on it - fine but I hate English fruit in fruit salad. I only want exotic fruit. Can't believe they put green apple in my food. Richard ate it. I may develop my photography diet its really working for me. Chosing only food that will look good in pictures, messing around posing it rather than eating it. Richard is hating me ' I really want to slap your face right now' I laugh and move slightly out of reach because I keep turning off the air conditioning.
1. Because its a pleasure to be hot, I'll be back in London soon enough
2. Because I was brought up not to waste money (i/e in poverty but you can learn a lot from that)
3. Because it noisy
4. Because I am cold

The small print

There are a couple of things I need to bear in mind before I upsticks completley.

Guns and Bugs! I saw a roach in the bath today.  Massive. I hoovered it up.  I couldn't even take its picture first because  I was too scared. Richard says I need to buy DOOM a bug spray. I thought he had some anti bug radar thing in the house. He said I do - you would have roaches on your face if I didn't.

Shoes

Worried about money so buying shoes. It tricky to reconcile. Being here was really cheap, I hardly spent any money. The problem is when I get home ..it would not be in the spirit of The Promises to say I am totally fucked but .. anyway I bought shoes. I am not sure what is going to happen when I get back to London but I am pretty sure I will be wearing heels when it does.

Look good, feel good, get what you want.
Look not so great, feel not so confident, mess it up.
Just my experience.

Killing me softly

I was laying on the beach running my fingers through the sun rays. It is heaven here.

This could be the last time

I walked to the beach my favourite route past the Loewes Hotel. I realised that I will only walk to the beach 4 more times now. I am sad I don't want to go home.

AA Related Announcements

Fabulous: it was all about Step 10. Emotional Hangovers - totally had one of those. That thing about if you are distrubed by anothers actions (after the fact) then the disturbance is within yourself ( I try so fucking hard as well) and then restraint of tounge, pen and email. Genius.

I feel great now, the cashpoint gave me dollars and didn't eat my card. I am listening to Jarvis Cocker. I am going to the beach. I have a Kaballa card that says 'Believe in love and a joy filled future' I already did I just forgot for a moment.

Comfort Eating

I went to Ice Box late last night to buy cake. I walked past a women with a glass of wine and thought 'Well at least you can drink.' I guess its all in the serenity prayer really. I am off to the mustard seed meeting.

Cease Fire

I just got sent an email that quoted Wayne Dyer, 'When you judge another you do not define them, you define yourself.' I don't know whether I am dodging bullets or firing them anymore.

Tiny pretty things

Richard spends alot of time in hotels so his bathroom is full of cute minatures of nice products. I love hotel bath products, if I stay in hotels I always try and get as many of them to bring home as possible.

Clouds in your coffee

These are like London clouds, you don't see clouds like this much here, either clear blue skies for miles or big rain clouds. This reminds me of home.