Home

Flew home to London on Sunday morning. Flight fairly dreary but not as dreary as arriving back at Heathrow to find Picadilly Line not working. Had to get 'bus replacement service' ( 3 words I have come to dread) to Hammersmith to rejoin the line and get home. Still I was offered lots of help with my bags on along the way so I obviously looked really old or really frail. Excellent.
Posting back on http://poisoniris.blogspot.com/

Tales of the unexpected

Here is Stella with Diego her little grey brother and her step brother Hugo. Diego is really cute but I hate penises on dogs so I am sticking with Stella. A man I met today was telling me he had to have his dog put down after 13 years. Obviously I had a lot of compassion for him since I have recently done the same thing with Chilli. He was saying what an amazing friend and inspiration the dog had been to him. He told me that he lost his mother in the 9/11 attacks and the same day when he got home traumatised from the news, he found a dog sitting on his door step wagging its tale so he took it in.

Later on the beach at night watching the sky get dark and meditating under the moon a cute dog came and sat under my arm. She was so sweet, I was a little nervous at first incase she was a stray and I would have to somehow force beg Richard or Ryan to take her in. Eventually her owner showed up but it was so nice to have a really sweet dog choose me out of all the people on the beach to sit by.

Conflict of interest

It's a rock and a hard place this thing about money and work. I saw the proposed teaching schedule for next semester and I have not as yet been allocated much work. I like the students but I never wanted to work in a Business School its hardly my feild of interest.  It makes me nervous as I hate financial insecurity however I also feel that as long as I am dependent on doing things I don't want to do for money I will never really rise to my own challenge.

I was talking to Jess about it before I came and we were saying. If you need money in a way the last thing you want is a job because the time and pay ratio of most jobs is contra-indicative to happiness and the leading of a productive life or the achievement of long term goals.

The fact is my over heads are low. I have already had 3 holidays this year. I have nice clothes and a new dog. I should just prioritise my true calling whatever the fuck that is.

Snatching failure from the jaws of success

I ate fruit and salad all day yesterday. I was really pleased, then in Publix I felt compelled to buy a bag of peanut M&M's. What's wrong with me? Why am I so fundamentally weak? I might never be thin. Fuck.

Things I have done today. A pictorial review

I drank coffee (3 cups)

Ate fruit salad for breakfast

Fed stray cat

Did Dr Hauschka facial and wrote reviews of all the products for Jess

Had late lunch at Lime (Taco Salad)

Drank coconut water

Realism

I went deep into the ocean with Ryan on Independence Day. Not deep but pretty far out from the shore. Its very beautiful as the waves are higher than your head as they approach. Its all very blue. I said that I was a little nervous about being the nearest body to the sharks. He gallantly stood a metre ahead of me.
'Now they will get me instead'
I asked if he would mind making a small incision in his leg to be on the safe side.
He told me that sharks are more likely to be in the bay which is just a mile up the coast by South Point because there is more food there. He said that they feed at dawn and at dusk. I asked if he would stand where we were standing at dawn.
'Absolutley not, NO'

The Promises

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. 
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. 
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. 
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. 
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. 
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away. 
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. 
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. 
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. 
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Richard was telling me about hearing a well known comedian sharing in a meeting about his past. He said he was the 'anti promises'

• Where there is peace I shall bring discord 
• Where there is hope I shall bring doubt 

I said that I could totally relate to that, he said Yes but he was stilling using at the time.

Just sometimes I'm wondering why shouldn't I leave?

Two more sleeps in Miami. I feel pretty excited to be going home but the thought of travel makes me nervous. Also the thought of returning to my life of responsibility (not that I have ever taken any) doesn't thrill me either.

My concerns in no particular order.

• What if its raining and stormy and the plane is delayed or cancelled?
• What if Virgin are even worse than they were on the way here?
• It will be cold and overcast at Heathrow
• The flat will be a mess
• I have to train Stella to hunt and kill
• I have to get a new income stream
• I need to sort out my appearance

I lack strength and direction.

Divine

Don't worry I am not back on the piss! I was searching for an image of a champagne fountain and I couldn't find a decent one so I decided to illustrate this post with Angelina instead. While I have not managed to write so much as a cheque since I have been here, I have been reading.  I was reading a book called The Mystical Qabalah by Dion Fortune. Its an interesting book as she demystifies some complex notions concerning God and the universe etc. Anyway what struck me as genius were two things; firstly, she decribed the universal relation to the supreme God as being like a champagne fountain where the energy flows downwards through the higher levels into the lower, an analogy I adore. Shortly after she quoted another author who said that God is Pressure. I just love it.

Peace will come, let it begin with me

It has been raining for hours now. All last night even in my dreams I was aware of the crashing storms outside. The noise of the air conditioner, the swish of the over head fan (very Jacobs Ladder) and the rain lashing on the roof brought me in and out of conciousness as I slept. It feels really peaceful here today though. I am alone and I have no intention of leaving the apartment except to get lunch for me and my stray cat. I am going to attempt to actually write something longer than a paragraph today. I have not managed to do any proper writing since I got here which is a little disappointing because its one of the reasons I came.

Shakespears Sister - Stay

Pretty on the inside

One thing I noticed in American pharmacies that I have never seen at home are entire shelf area's dedicated to Douche products and a arsenal of sister products designed to help you keep your vagina (or whatever you are using instead of one) fresh.  I am not sure why regular bathing is not considered proactive enough to keep body odours at bay.

Anyway I thought I would make a couple of purchases and give them a try. I read the instructions on the Douche pack for a pussy that smells like an Ocean Breeze All you have to do is open one of the two disposable soft bottles, attach nozzle (those familiar with home hair dye will be good at this) insert and squirt the contents, (which smell like fucking Harpic by the way) into your vagina. What stopped me having a go was that it didn't say anything about how one would go about getting it out. I assume they think nature and gravity (gods ugly little twins) will take over at that point but since its getting late and I don't want to be up all night mopping bathroom cleaner off my thighs I thought I would delay the pleasure until another time.

My name is Stella

I called the dog Stella. List of reasons to follow

• Stella McCartney ( who I admire for her work on Chloe even though Pheobe did most of it and her vegetarian stance)
• Stella Tennant (who is ageless)
• Stella for Our Lady Of The Stars
• Stella for my obession with starsigns and online horoscopes

Yves Saint Laurent L'Amour Fou

What lies beneath

Another reason I am so concerned about, well the only two things I am concerned about, my tan and my weight is that I got some new underwear and I want to look good in it. It's so pretty - actually greener than it looks here. I got it from Gap - I don't think I have shopped in Gap at home for years but here they have a fantastic lingerie section. I remember looking around Coco La Mere with Bob when we were going to get coffee at Monmouth Street. I was picking up expensive pants and stuff commenting on how pretty and expensive they were.

Why would you consider paying £50 for a pair of knickers? Have you ever had sex with a man who took any notice of the kind of knickers you were wearing? The answer is no actually at no point ever in living memory (although there are a few years that I can't account for) has any man ever stopped at the first hurdle and said ' great pants by the way' and yet I would rather die than show up in a non matching bra and knickers set. Conditioned from childhood to associate wearing good underwear with survival of road traffic accidents and avoidance of  embarrasment  if one accidentally ends up having sex with someone on the way back from Tesco.

Lunch

I had a Reece Peanut Butter Cup shake for lunch. A meal in a glass. I am really worried about all the fattening food I have consumed on this trip. When Richard leaves tomorrow I am detoxing - fruit and salad only.
A list of things that I enjoyed but kind of regret:

• Eggs on Toast from Ballans twice
• Cheese Fries from Shake Shack twice
• Peanut Butter Cake (not nice) from Ice Box
• Coconut chocolate cake (fabulous) from Ice Box
• Reece Pieces Shake
• Dove Bar (only decent chocolate bar in US)
• Jelly Beans (white flavours only)

That's kind of it but it feels like more somehow.

Hello

This is my new dog. She is a present from JD who got her in some kind of 'buy one get one free' deal  on Chihuahua's in Essex. Or more likely 'buy one for a grand get another for £50 off)  At present she is called Gloria. I can't have that. I might call her Lola or Iris or any other 2 syllabel female name made up of around 4 letters. Suggestions welcome. 

She has a brother called Diego who JD is keeping.

Lime

I had dinner at my favourite cafe Lime on Alton Road. They do the best salads ever.

Little Sparrows came along to help me eat my taco's

State Of Independence

We spent the evening in a parking lot on Alton Road watching the July 4th Fireworks.

It was a really clean car park - no condoms or smell of gasoline

Home is just emotion sticking in my throat

Stayed home out of the sun today. Had to lay down in darkened room after the cake I ate for lunch, blood sugar was detonated out of control.

Lunch

Richard and I went to Ice Box for lunch because I had already had a healthy fruit salad for breakfast.

So I thought I would ruin a fantastic start by having cake for lunch. My food has gone badly wrong since Richard got here, I am glad he is leaving on Wednesday so I can get it back together again before coming home on Saturday. Obviously Richard is responsible for what I am putting in my mouth, there is no other explanation.

I ordered Peanut Butter and Chocolate cake for lunch which was kind of a mistake. It was not so much a cake as a block of butter. It tasted good at first but it was too much after a while.

I even left some which I never ever do.

Richard had a holy mess in the name of steak and eggs. It took ages to arrive and was covered in home made chips. American cafes try to make their own crisps which is a mistake as the only good crisps come out of bags from factories. It's not something you can make at home because they are always too soggy and so fail miserably at the first hurdle.

So anyway we hated everything. We think icebox is only good for cakes (coconut). It's expensive, crowded, food took ages and we are not going back. So there.

Tra La La La La

I am at my most brown. At school in typing class (giving away age here) we used to do typing exercises to Brown Girl In The Ring by Boney M. It was funny I didn't like school or attend much but I did enjoy typing class. We used to have this book of the text we were copying and we would sing the first line and then tap tap tap tap tap the tra la la la la la bit and do a really aggressive carriage return to plum plum.

I went on a date (I really try not to date as I find it acutely disturbing) with this idiot man who took me to see a movie called Into The Void which was about a mountaineering acident and the man was hearing this song as he was going in and out of conciousness. It was the weirdest date movie choice ever (before that one about the man who cuts his own arm off anyway)

Those who can't teach ...

We saw Bad Teacher last night it has mixed reviews but is very very funny. We love Cameron and have elected her onto our comittee of backers. (follow link for full and clear explanation of concept) anyway the film was especially amusing to us because Camerons approach to teaching is similar to mine.
She doesn't know anyones name, hates the institution she works for, hates most co workers, fills in time showing movies or clips from You Tube and she is only motivated by money and holidays. Roll on September.

Temptor

Richard is a bad influence. Today I already had eggs on toast ( and I have a wheat allergy) and a Quesadilla (more wheat, cheese, avocado and black beans) Carbicide. I am screwed. I have 3 days to detox after he is gone.

I'm dancing barefoot

Such a lazy day today so far. We had breakfast in Ballans where the air conditioning was broken. They had a huge fan in the resturant instead that was blowing the toast across the room as the waitresses brought the food. It was like a scene from The Wizard Of Oz.  We then went to the beach and Richard dropped me off at 6th while he went into Equinox Gym on Collins and 1st. By the time he collected me 90 minutes later I already practically had sunstroke. It was so hot but I love getting a tan so I am willing to suffer it. When he came back we walked down to the gay section of the beach. Richard doesn't like to be on the mixed sections for long. Obviously the gay section in Miami Beach is the busiest section of the whole beach but we do see people he knows there so thats always nice. One thing I noticed as we walked down Collins Avenue was the size of the cocktails that the resturants serve. They do this one where it is a huge glass of Marguerita with two up turned bottles of Spanish Beer sticking out of like cocktail sticks. Hideous but there was a time when that would have looked like a pretty good idea. The last drink I had was a Marguerita, straight up, salt and no ice at The Wosley in Piccadilly. I knew it was my last drink, I hadn't quite lost the power to choose but I knew I would so in the manner of the exception that proves the rule. I had just the one.

AA Related Announcements

Yesterdays home run doesn't count in todays game.

Prayers and incantations

I walked to South Point this afternoon with my prayers in my hand. I wrote them out before I left the apartment. All that I desire for the month ahead and all that will flourish after the final summer eclipse.

YHVH

ADONAI

EHEIEH

AGLA



Day trippers

Ryan came to get me and took me to a meeting in Miami city. Its a beautiful drive accross the MacArthur causeway. He showed me all the private islands where all the Miami celebrities live except JLo who is apparently on Alton Road.

I love city scapes although I prefer to be in South Beach where it is so much more chilled out.

Ryan was talking about the time when all the people from Cuba who wanted to come to the US were allowed to. He showed me the parking lots where they were once held in camps while they were processed. He said the Che took the opportunity to off load as many of his criminals onto the US as he could fit on a boat. Brilliant.

Just go to sleep

Last time I was here I hardly slept at all, this time I can hardly stay awake.

Breakfast

Fruit salad and raw food cookies from Wholefoods.

And coffee of course.In fact I had two cups of coffee to get me out of the apartment.