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I was Al Coholic I thought I was Al Capone

You Will Know Peace

When I heard that line in the AA Promises I interpreted it to mean 'you will know boredom' which is what I was kind of worried about. In fact peace is the least boring of all the experiences I have had.

Breakfast

Banana & Peanut Butter shake. Really exhausted this morning after the worst possible nights sleep ever. Meeting was awful. I am switching meetings that one is like an Emergency Room.

Fear & Loathing

The meeting this morning was largely awful. People talking about therapy (that obviously had not worked), yelling about what other people should do. Banging on and on about nothing much at all. A few of my favourites saved the day. I ate 3 cookies during the meeting. I am not crazy about eating processed American food I think of animal fat and growth hormones its a disturbing thought...

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My opinion, if it is not helpful, is not useful.

The Promises

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. 
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. 
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. 
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. 
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. 
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away. 
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. 
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. 
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. 
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Richard was telling me about hearing a well known comedian sharing in a meeting about his past. He said he was the 'anti promises'

• Where there is peace I shall bring discord 
• Where there is hope I shall bring doubt 

I said that I could totally relate to that, he said Yes but he was stilling using at the time.

I'm dancing barefoot

Such a lazy day today so far. We had breakfast in Ballans where the air conditioning was broken. They had a huge fan in the resturant instead that was blowing the toast across the room as the waitresses brought the food. It was like a scene from The Wizard Of Oz.  We then went to the beach and Richard dropped me off at 6th while he went into Equinox Gym on Collins and 1st. By the time he collected me 90 minutes later I already practically had sunstroke. It was so hot but I love getting a tan so I am willing to suffer it. When he came back we walked down to the gay section of the beach. Richard doesn't like to be on the mixed sections for long. Obviously the gay section in Miami Beach is the busiest section of the whole beach but we do see people he knows there so thats always nice. One thing I noticed as we walked down Collins Avenue was the size of the cocktails that the resturants serve. They do this one where it is a huge glass of Marguerita with two up turned bottles of Spanish Beer sticking out of like cocktail sticks. Hideous but there was a time when that would have looked like a pretty good idea. The last drink I had was a Marguerita, straight up, salt and no ice at The Wosley in Piccadilly. I knew it was my last drink, I hadn't quite lost the power to choose but I knew I would so in the manner of the exception that proves the rule. I had just the one.

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Yesterdays home run doesn't count in todays game.

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I went to the meeting this morning and it was nice but the guy taking it was whining about his friend drinking and what a jerk he was.  I was reminded of someone telling me that you can't be powerless and responsible at the same time. Its good to remember that I am not sober because I am somehow a better person than one who is not but because I came to AA and after many years I learnt what I needed to do to stay sober. I am very blessed not to be drinking today.

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My childhood no longer defines me, my drinking no longer defines me, today it is my recovery from Alcoholism that defines me.

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When you change the way you look at things. The things you are looking at change.

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Meanwhile things at my favourite AA meeting The Sober on Southbeach Mustard Seed Group have been going from strength to strength. It was the birthday meeting today so they had sugar free cheese cake. I have coveted the cake since I heard about it 18 months ago but I have never been in town on the right day. So we had cake with our coffee and the message was really 'Don't drink no matter what'. It took me a long long time to understand that. I had a 'don't drink until things get really bad' kind of approach which didn't work particulary well because of course if you are an alcoholic and you do that you just make everything much worse.

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'I am less interested in how you got here than I am in how you stay here.'

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'I am awake in my dreams'

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'I am only an arms length away'

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'I did'nt know what I did'nt know'

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Fabulous: it was all about Step 10. Emotional Hangovers - totally had one of those. That thing about if you are distrubed by anothers actions (after the fact) then the disturbance is within yourself ( I try so fucking hard as well) and then restraint of tounge, pen and email. Genius.

I feel great now, the cashpoint gave me dollars and didn't eat my card. I am listening to Jarvis Cocker. I am going to the beach. I have a Kaballa card that says 'Believe in love and a joy filled future' I already did I just forgot for a moment.

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Heaven on earth this morning. Beautiful woman sharing. She said 'humility wasn't thinking less of yourself but thinkin less about yourself.'

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So in contrast to yesterdays excellent 'passion of the christ' chair, todays meeting was inspired by a reading from As Bill See's It on selfishness. Sadly this inspired a waterfall of Al Anon style sharing from the floor, complete with tears of self pity. I can't bear Al Anon people, I consider them to be the pond life of the recovery evolution system. I love addicts, I prefer the AA text but I have to keep the company of proper addicts.

In a meeting the other night the guy, a biker of around 40 was doing the share and he talked about some other man from meetings sleeping with his girlfreind and told us how he had put a gun to his head and cocked the trigger. Luckily when the man turned around he realised he had the wrong person!  Richard was loving it he said 'imagine being in that row that evening.'

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Oh My God this morning was so amazing. This guy did a chair that completely blew my mind. He said so much. He talked about growing up with a step father who was a Cocaine trafficker who introduced him to base aged 14. Miami was built on Cocaine money as you probably know and if you don't check out the documentary Cocaine Cowboys or the Pablo Escabar story. Cocaine Cowboys is particulary brilliant - it talks about how easy it was to make millions at first  because Miami was pretty much all unguarded coast line and very near to South America. Then it talks about how the Columbian cartels made things really messy and the body count started to pile up. There is one bit where they talk about the police having to borrow refrigerator trucks from Burger King to store bodies in as the city morgues were full.

So anyway this man was talking about his childhood and the progression of his condition. He spoke of the 'incomphrenisibilty of his insistence'. He talked about his dead mother, a woman with mensa intellegence not being able to out smart her desease. Speaking about jail time he said that the second biggest industry in Florida is the jail business. He was saying that since private companies ran the jails and wanted the state money that you would have to be a preist to be considered for parole so he had served very long sentences for petty crimes. Horrible.

He spoke about Emerson as well, I love men that have taken a lot of drugs and read alot of books, he was discussing Essays On Spiritual Laws ' I desire not to disgrace the soul' . Beautiful.